Couch to 5k Update

Week 3

This week had proven to test my limits and my motivation for running. What was I thinking? So badly I've wanted to give up and call it a good effort on my part. So badly I've wished I never committed to running this regimen and torturing my body this way.

The thing is, my body likes it.

My heart likes it.

My legs LOVE it!

This is what I'm doing:

Week 3
Brisk five-minute warm-up walk, followed by two repetitions of the following:

• Jog 200 yards (90 seconds)
• Walk 200 yards (90 seconds)
• Jog 400 yards (3 minutes)
• Walk 400 yards (3 minutes)

Sounds easy enough...HA!~

Although I've had feelings of regret as my feet are hitting the large circulating tread-belt, it's always a relief when I complete my session with success and without cheating. I've heard it said before, "Nothing that's worthwhile us ever easy. Remember that." - Nicholas Sparks. I know that if I am ever going to accomplish the things I want to achieve, I'm going to HAVE to persevere and run through the pain, because in the end, it's all for my own good.

Time Capsule

Emily Hill Crow and Jedbot Crow

~1995~

Jedbot Crow and Scott (Scooter) Keister
~1995~

JB and "Matilda"
~1995~

Rob Clark and Jedbot Crow, with "Matilda"

~1995~

Blast from the past!

Lest We Forget

Mary McHugh mourns her fiance Sergeant James Regan at the Arlington National Cemetery. Sergeant Regan, an American Special Forces soldier, was killed by an IED explosion in Iraq.

Photo by: John Moore of Getty Images, Memorial Day May 27, 2007

As I scoured the internet for images I could use to show my appreciation on Memorial Day, I came across this one. It immediatly pricked my heart as I stared at this beautiful woman lying on her fiance's grave, as if she were imagining resting her head next to him. I wondered what she was doing lying there so still. Was she praying? Was she whispering to him benieth the dirt? Or was she merely grieving her loss that she hoped would never happen to her? I may never know. I would imagine that her lying on the ground was her way of being close to him...as close as she'd ever be again.

Happy Memorial Day. May we always remember.

Couch to 5k - Week TWO

Week Two!

After completing Week One of the Couch-to-5k Program, I can honestly say that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It was tough and it was hard. I realize that plenty of people can complete my week one with the greatest of ease, however for me I wondered if my legs were going to make it. Well they did, and I did.

Starting Week Two was an exciting thing for me. I was eager to move on to the next level of my journey, and feel a sense of accomplishment that accompanies the soreness and exhaustion after my walk/run. I yearn for the feeling of my lungs expanding and my heart pumping, telling me I'm taking care of my body. You can imaging my surprise when noticing after only one week, my jeans fitting a little nicer, and my *ahem* bra not filling out so much. This is proof that my body agrees with this form of healthy living. In fact, if my organs could talk, I'd imagine them cheering and applauding my every step on the treadmill. I even find myself getting a little excited when my schedule dictates that today is the day to darn my sports bra and running shoes...knowing that I am getting that much closer to my goal.

Week Two:
Brisk walk for 5 minutes, then alternate 90 second of jogging and 2 minutes of walking, for a total of 20 minutes.

So I've stepped it up. 30 more seconds of running and 30 more seconds of walking. It actually hasn't been that bad. I just keep telling myself that if I can give birth to 4 babies, than I can walk/run for 25 minutes, 3x a week. I remind myself of all the hard work that I've put into keeping a 4.0 GPA, and if I can do that, I can huff it out for 25 minutes a day. I also manage to convince myself, when I don't think I can take one more step, that one minute is going to go by whether I'm running in it or not, so I might as well keep going and finish strong!

I've taken the pressure off of myself to loose X amount of weight by a specific time, or feel the urge to fit into a size 6 by summer's end. I think that I had to come to the realization that going slow and strong was they best thing for me to succeed this time. I eat everything I want in moderation. I don't deprive my body of anything, because as soon as I do, I want it. If I limit myself to no brownies...I inevitably want a whole batch to myself. So for me, I'm just focusing on being able to run a 5k in 9 weeks or more. I think it's realistic enough and I just might find that the weight will come off without pressuring my body to look a certain way, right now!

Couch to 5k - Week One

I've been inspired!

It never surprises me when I see my sister Erin do something inspiring...again. For several years now I've seen her melt away and shrink her body further and further down on the scales. Her secret is running. I've never been a big fan of running, or anything uncomfortable for that matter, and the thought of breathing heavy and burning muscles isn't high on my list of priorities. Even though it should be. Besides, running a 5k or marathon was never something I thought I could ever do...why though?

After hearing about her last run (1/2 marathon), I was in awe at the mere thought of her running and accomplishing such a feat. And of course, as I've always done, I wanted to follow in her footsteps...literally. I just didn't know how to go about getting my butt in shape enough to run longer than 2 minutes together, so she mentioned a program that might help. It's called the "Couch to 5k" program. It's laid out to get anyone running 3 miles straight without stopping, week by week, for 9 weeks. It starts out slow and you gradually work your way up to 30 minutes of huffing and puffing...I mean running freely without a care in the world! I was sceptical at first, even though I desperately wanted to be able to accomplish this. But after starting this week, I can honestly say that it just might be possible...even for this girl who hasn't run anywhere, except after kids, in 14 years!

Here's what I'm doing this week:
Week one:
Three times a week:
Brisk five-minute warm-up walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking. For a total of 20 minutes.

Sounds easy enough. It actually kicked my butt!...and I loved it! By the time I was done I was sweaty, stinky, and sore...three things I hate. I also breathed in a little deeper, held my head up a little higher and slept like a baby. So bring it on, "Couch to 5k"! Bring it on, cause this chick is running!

My 9 week regimen ends the first week of July, and the plan is to be running in a Warm-up 5k for a 1/2 marathon in August. I thought it was funny to learn that Marathon runners run in a 5k warm-up run before running 13+miles. Not me, I'll be going at it slow and runnin' the Warm-up. That should do...for now.

Stay tuned for Week 2!

Double Take

Elliot Hill (2 years), Emily Hill Crow (5 months),

and Karen Light Hill

~1975~

Jmichael Crow (3 years), Jedbot Crow (5 months?),

and Eileen Hubert Crow

~1974~

When Jedbot and I announced we were to be married in December of 1995, his mom wanted to assemble a special picture video for our wedding. As I sifted through old photos of myself to add to her own collection of baby pictures, I came across one that I would later come to love more than any other photo of me as a child. The reason for my taking a special liking to it was due to the fact that Jedbot had a photo of him taken in the exact same fashion. It's almost uncanny to see separate photos taken of us through the drivers side car-door window, with our brothers seated in front, as we sat on our mothers laps. Although Jedbot is 9 months older than me, it seems as though we were the same age when the picture was taken.

With Mother's Day around the corner, I felt drawn to these photos more than usual. It's a beautiful sight for me to see our mother's in their 20's as they traveled through life in a time when raising babies was their main focus. I love to look at these women and know that the concentration of their thoughts were on diapers, baby powder, burping, and toys. It's comforting to know that their thoughts were similar to mine as we each experienced the joys of raising babies. Even though I still have children to raise, I feel a connection to these special women, because I am a mother myself. I love to sit and lovingly gaze at these pictures and see them in a time in their lives where I have been myself.

So as I pulled out these photos from a special place I keep close to my heart, I thought it only fitting to express my sentiment for these worn images and my love for the mothers in them. For every diaper changed, runny nose wiped, dirty load of laundry washed and boo boo kissed....I love them. I love them not only for being our moms, but especially knowing the love I have for my own children is the same love they have for us. It's a love that can only be known through the experience of personally baring a child, and it's a love that would never be known otherwise.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom and Eileen! We love you!

Friends

I recently had an eye-opening experience that resulted in a hard lesson in self worth and self esteem. Through it, I have gained insight that I may not have ever learned had I not been presented the opportunity to do so. I have wondered whether I should blog about it, and I hesitate to do so for fear of possibly disclosing the parties involved. But I decided I wanted to share this experience, even for the few who will read this, because I feel that others may benefit from knowing what I went through, and the lesson it took to remember who I am and who I want to be.

As a woman I am no different than the girl next door, the mother in the supermarket, the fashion model or the female CEO of a successful company. I have self-esteem and self worth issues. Every woman is their own worst critic and can undoubtedly find SOMETHING about themselves that they hate or dislike. It's no secret that I struggle with my weight, depression, anxiety, and a myrid of self-esteem issues. Needless to say, I don't feel like I'm any different than anyone else on this earth. I have problems and I deal with them. But sometimes something happens that makes you doubt yourself. Just when you think you have a handle on the unwelcome self-critisims, someone says something to you that erases everything you have worked so hard to achieve.

A few months ago my brother got me hooked on Facebook. I hadn't even heard of Facebook until a long-time friend was looking for me. She found him and gave him specific instructions for me to get my bootie signed up so we could catch up. I did, and the last few months have been a fun journey as I've tried to locate childhood friends, old roommates and reconnect with family. Up until 2 days ago it has been a fairly positive experience.

In the facebook world your "friends" are only acquired through the acceptance of an invitation. You invite someone you know to be your friend, and if they so choose, they can accept or decline your request. Once you are friends with someone you can view their profile of personal information and any pictures they post for viewing. If after you have agreed to be someones FB friend and you don't want to anymore, you can choose to remove them from your list at anytime you wish. Doing this is a personal decision that some FB users don't see as a big deal. But what happens when you are deleted by a person you didn't expect to remove you from their list. It's impossible not to take it personally when you start to wonder why the person X-ed you. "Did I say something to offend?" "Was it just a mistake, and they really meant to cross off a different name, and had inadvertently clicked on my name instead?" These are questions you might ask yourself if this happens to you. "Is it really a big deal? It IS JUST facebook."

I asked myself these exact questions 2 days ago when I learned that I had been de-friended by someone I didn't expect. This was someone that I had a good and positive relationship with and never said or did anything to be hurtful or rude. I wondered to myself if this person had meant to "say" something without saying it by booting me off his/her proverbial FB island. I then concluded that it surely must have been a mistake, and sought out to make sure.

So I sent a friendly message...

Hi,
I noticed today that you have taken me off your FB friends list and I was just curious why. I hope that I didn't say anything to offend you, and if I have, please accept my apology. I would hope that if I had, indeed, said something that offended you, you would tell me. I thought we were actual friends and not just FB friends, and this is why I'm puzzled.
Emily.

This was the response that came later the same day:

Hi Emily,
It makes me feel good to know that you consider us more than just FB friends. I would like to attempt to explain why I took you (along with others) off my "friends" list. Since we have been FB friends, I have noticed you are not the same woman that I remember. I had been so impressed with you the first time I met you. You really were so beautiful and I remember your eyes really seemed to shine. I guess from watching you from the FB point of view, it appears to me as though the light that I had seen shining so brightly in you before, has faded quite a bit. It makes me feel sad. It has been hard for me to see the things that you have been doing and saying on FB. Recently I have been through some very trying times and I have had a strong desire to surround myself with everything that is positive. Anything that's not, I try to distance myself. Sadly, for the moment, that has included some family members as well. This is why I have deleted a few of my "friends". I hope that this doesn't make you angry. I am not trying to judge you (even if it sounds that way). You really can do whatever you choose. I just need to make the choice to do what is best for me emotionally and spiritually. Please remember that you did ask and I am just respectfully answering.

Tears filled my eyes as I read those words. I really couldn't believe what I was reading. I felt like an injustice had occured as I fought back the inclination to believe the judgements that had been placed on me. All the insecurities I have felt about myself throughout the years had surfaced without hesitation and I wondered what was wrong with me. I soon realized that nothing was wrong with me, only with the person whom had a problem with me.

The following is my final communication:

Although I am curious as to what you may be referring to regarding the things I am saying and doing on FB, I won't ask because whatever it may be, doesn't matter. I am not ashamed of anything I may have said or done. It is quite puzzling to me though since I have never directed any of my actions toward you. I respect that you may choose to distance yourself with those who may not be "uplifting" in your eyes, and you're right it is sad.

I wonder why when we met you were so impressed with me. Or could it be that you are drawn to those individuals that you have a religious commonality with? and since we don't agree with respect to that, you feel that a "light' has faded in me. Please know that I am not angry in the slightest even though you feel you haven't judged me, when you have. Again, you are free to be FB friends with whomever you wish, it's just sad to me that you would distance yourself from people that care about you just because you don't agree with their choices or beliefs. It is disconcerting to feel like my actions would have such an emotional effect on you that you would feel like you couldn't be a part of my life, even if for the time being is only through FB.

The lesson I learned that day is one I've been trying to teach my children regarding the difficulties they experience with relationships at school. Every time they come home from school with sadness in their eyes because someone was mean to them, I try to help them see that not everyone is going to like them, no matter how hard they try to be their friend. It's not an easy thing for little kids to understand because the pressure to be liked and fit in is so strong. It breaks my heart when I hug them tight and try to make better what occurs when friends say hurtful things to them. It doesn't always comfort them the way they need it to, because regardless of the positive words I offer, they will undoubtedly experience the same thing again throughout their lives.

So, I had to re-teach myself the same lesson. So, someone doesn't like me, or agree with my lifestyle. I can't change their mind unless I change myself in the process. I don't want to change. I don't have to change. I won't change just to please someone that may never be satisfied with my choices. I can't live my life exactly like someone else because then my choices wouldn't be mine. It's a shame that this communication and insight into someones thoughts and ideas of me can't just roll of my back like water on a duck. It's hurtful knowing that in spite of all my other shortcomings and insecurities, I had to doubt my self worth as a woman, and a person for that matter. And it's sad knowing that I allowed the negative opinion someone has of me to bruise my heart. Well, bruises heal and so will my heart, and maybe one day the individual who so harshly judged my character will see how flawed their perception of me really is. Either way, I'm not going to keep from being myself, or allow this situation to make me feel badly anymore. Life is too short to dwell on experiences or people you can't change.


Post script:
My intention in posting this experience was not to name names or embarass those involved here. I am merely choosing to constructively, and respectfully express my feelings regarding the issue. This is why I have kept the identities private. Although I was hurt and upset with the initial conversation, I am no longer troubled by this experience, and have only used this forum to share how I dealt with this uncomfortable situation.